Seeds of Hope

The Rae Dunn craze was all the buzz. In just a few years it became a household name with women swarming the shops looking for that one item to complete their collection. My family didn’t escape the madness. Entering my daughters home after not having visited for several months, I found the dining room covered ceiling to floor in the cream colored pottery. Each individual piece with bold black etching of a word defining the dish or evoking a sentiment.

It wasn’t long before I began to receive these treasured items as gifts. Admittedly, I was not initially a fan, but I have since come to appreciate the small collection of Rae Dunn coffee mugs bestowed upon me, and I too, proudly display them.

Today as I write, I am sipping a cup of tea from a purposely made, imperfect, Rae Dunn mug as I contemplate the word LOVELY etched into its reflective glaze.

Is this mug lovely?

The uneven lip of the mug is irregular, and the unevenness creates a bit of a lopsided look. The body has just the slightest concave areas that soften and give a delicate curve to an otherwise clunky looking piece. Today my mug holds the earthy taste of dandelion tea. It’s a taste I happen to love, but, like this awkwardly attractive mug, it may not be everyone’s preference.

Preference/Perception

How many of us have met someone who we weren’t initially fond of, but who we grew to love and cherish? How about just the opposite? That one person you looked up to and admired, only to realize they are not the person you believed them to be. It seems to be a given that people will disappoint, but, just as our perceptions vary and our preferences distinguish us, those disappointments in no way decrease a persons value.

I’ll never forget the afternoon of my youngest daughters graduation. In preparation of the outdoor event I was piling my hair into a bun when my significant other randomly said, “That makes your face look fat”!

I’ve had compliments since that moment, expressing that having my hair up, or worn short is flattering, but in that moment with… let’s call him Bud … I allowed his opinion to deflate me. I hadn’t learned that another’s opinion or perception didn’t define me. I took on his critique as fact, and for years I replayed that moment, hearing his words, every time I styled my hair up. In an effort to please him, I wore my hair down that day. It wasn’t the first people pleasing moment, or the last, that I would have, but that moment of having my ego bruised stuck with me. I’m so thankful that I’m in a place today where I can feel lovely, not because of someone’s opinion of me from their own skewed perception, but because I know who I am and I know that I strive to be my best self, to do the right thing, and to lead with love.

In doing so, I’ve grown to understand that if another doesn’t have the capacity to accept my flaws and blunders, and love me unconditionally, it is their perception that lacks depth in viewing me as a whole person and not as a sum of my mistakes or differences. That is a journey for them to travel and not a situation for me to fix. Today when I have inadvertently disappointed someone and they strike out with their opinion of my character, or actions, I take the time to reflect on my choices and my actions, and then, when I am sure I have done my best in that circumstance, I move on in life & leave them to adjust their own perception of me, or not. Another’s opinion does not define my loveliness, inside or out. I’ve come to understand that my vantage point in any given moment, may be quite different from theirs. We are lovely, inside and out, we just may not be everyone’s cup of tea!

The journey of self realization is ever evolving. It calls upon us to recognize and improve upon our short comings. In saying goodbye to 2020 and reflecting upon the many opportunities this tumultuous year presented for personal growth, I realized that one of the most impactful ways to make change, was to improve upon decision making. It’s not simply the monumental decisions that stir our course, but also the every day challenges that we give our energy to, that impact and direct our lives.

My daughter recently called to tell me how she had come close to plummeting downhill into the neighbors home when her brakes had failed. Thankfully the imminent disaster was avoided by the quick use of the emergency brake and the thick bushes separating the neighboring yard. I couldn’t help but jokingly ask if she’d changed her life insurance policy recently. My wonderful son in law is a do it yourself-er and jack of all trades. He had changed out the pads but forgotten to pump the brakes. Even the best of intentions take a little forethought.

We may have the best intentions, but without taking time to consider the end results, our good intent can back fire and things can quickly become catastrophic. We often find ourselves wishing we could back paddle our way out of a situation. If we don’t take time to reflect before we speak, or think through a decision, it can be disastrous. There are those who would argue that being blunt and just saying whatever you feel is being authentic. I think bluntness may have its place, but isn’t it wise to consider ones words? The saying, “The tongue has no bones, but is strong enough to to break a heart”, comes to mind.

We may come to regret those words we say in haste, frustration or anger, and we’ve all learned that our actions have consequences. The difficulty is in taking the time to think and reflect before we say or do things that don’t serve us well and may hurt others. Do we have a choice?

Can we master the art of contemplation so that we measure our words and train our minds to deliberate before we act? How do we remember to pump the brakes?

It’s usually anxiety that fuels us to react in the moment. We make rash decisions, or say the wrong thing when we experience the discomfort of sitting with indecision, or when in the moment, we are disturbed by another’s words and behavior. A remedy may be to make a conscious choice to not react from an emotional place, but instead, use a decision making process. Fostering simple changes, such as going to the wash room and running your hands under cold water, calling a ten second time out, or focusing on your five senses and naming out loud what you see, hear, smell, taste and feel are all ways to buy yourself time to consider your words. Someone may look at you as though you have lost it, but that beats the long term aftermath of saying something you don’t mean or wish you could take back.

It’s a bit more complicated with long term life decisions. We each have to find a practice that works for us. Some find listing pros and cons helpful while others just sleep on it until they feel a certainty within themselves. Many people talk it over with friends & family to gain more insight and be sure they are weighing all of their options. All of these practices can be helpful. What’s key is to take the time to reflect before making your decision.

For years I have found thrift shopping relaxing but I realized early on, that I could end up a hoarder if I weren’t careful. I eventually put a next day rule in place. I’d go home, decide if it was something I really needed or wanted, and if so, I’d go back the next day. Another strategy that works well for me is to always think in worst case scenario. Ask yourself what is the worst thing that may happen? What could the worst end result be? Can you live with the answer?

All of these tools are ways to pump the brakes, to stop and consider our words and actions and hold ourselves accountable. Mulling things over, both our words and actions, considering the end results, and thinking ahead to the worst case scenario could save us from a downhill spiral with no emergency brake or safety net to stop us. So, as we continue to roll into 2021 with a vision of growth and self realization, let’s put an action plan in place to help us each remember to pump the brakes and reflect before we speak or act, especially when we are under emotional pressure.

Years ago I admired a Christmas Cactus in full bloom. It was in a beautiful china pot seated atop a piano. It was lovely and I envisioned having just such a specimen in my home someday. Well, I can tell you I’ve failed miserably at maintaining the delicate balance needed to nurture these beauties. Ive tried different pots, different soil mixtures, different rooms and lighting, and still they each came to a wilted, droopy, demise or dried up & withered away. It wasn’t until this year that I was finally successful in keeping my cacti alive. The secret ingredient wasn’t a secret at all … a persistent damp soil environment rots the roots. They Christmas Cactus needed a complete drying out between watering, along with an east window for adequate sun exposure. To my delight these small changes gave my latest attempt the boost it needed to grow. I actually have a blooming Christmas Cactus!

A healthy climate is crucial, and yet, we’ve all found ourselves staying in an unhealthy or unsatisfying environment far longer than we’d have ever anticipated. It may be a seriously harmful relationship of domestic abuse, or simply employed in a position in which we dread going to work everyday. In either case, why is it so difficult to find the strength to move on? We fantasize and plan, we perseverate over what we should do, and yet we stay gambling with our lives, our peace of mind & sanity, and our dreams.

It’s ironic that in life, crisis situations that can initially seem disastrous can become our biggest blessings. Those changes that we are forced to make in crisis can propel us to grow, or land us in better circumstances. When we are in a daily cascade of negativity, abuse, or chaos, we are simply unable to navigate clearly. We stay feeling trapped until a crisis forces change, but is crisis our only option for change? Could small changes and breaks from unhealthy surroundings make a difference? A week away from that toxic relationship or that position that doesn’t serve our authentic selves could be key. A week at a domestic violence shelter or safe house, or anywhere where we have a brief spell of time to step away for a change of environment, & feel a little lighter and think more clearly. Taking action to make a final change may feel overwhelming, but deciding to just get away for a rest, and experience how that feels, to ask those needed questions or listen to the advice of others & explore new options, may be a first step. Getting a taste of freedom, of choices, and support, you begin to feel the clarifying energy of being in a healthier place and finding the strength to move on. It could be the glimmer of hope you need to take the next step to bring you to a better place, a place where you can grow and thrive.

For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233(SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).

Fresh Snow had fallen, blanketing the ground and the branches of the giant Fir trees. The Grand Canyon National Forest was transformed into a winter wonderland.

My excitement grew as I followed the thin line of vehicles past the entrance. Up ahead, I spotted an overlook with room for only one car. A bench resting against a cliff just a few feet down the path beckoned me. I wanted to take in as much as possible in my brief time here.

The vast beauty of the view before me was enveloping & cleansing. All the world stopped as I gazed out over the peaks and crest of the canyon. The quiet magnitude, stillness and beauty felt untouched and endless. Standing on ground millions of years old, seeing the clearly defined colors and depth of the rocky earth, I couldn’t help but consider my place in the world. One could feel insignificant against such vastness.

My initial response was to feel small. The land seemed boundless. Deep in contemplation and overcome with awe, questioning life and existence, my feelings slowly began to morph into a sweet assurance. Looking out at the snow covered spindly shrubs growing against tall full trees with limbs reaching far & wide or up towards the sky, and feeling the pebbles beneath my feet, even stooping to collect a handful, before looking out again into the majesty of the Grand Canyon once housing these same pebbles, I understood it all mattered. We all leave our mark.

How many millions of years had it taken to create the breathtaking scenery before me? How much disaster and regrowth had this land, and the creatures that inhabit it seen? Trauma is disaster, it’s as real as a hurricane or earthquake, and it may take ages to realize the benefits of healing and growth. I thought of the lineage of my own family and how my children would know less trauma than I had known and how they would have better tools to pass on to their own children. This is how love overcomes the devastation of trauma. Not in an instant, but over years, over decades and generations of those we share our lives with and leave our imprint upon. Trauma leaves us wounded and fragmented, broken. Healing not only changes ourselves, the impact of healing stretches far beyond just us. Through healing, we are able to send an immeasurable degree of love out into the world through those we become nurturers and support systems to, and in doing so, we help to create more beauty in this timeless journey we call life.

When we are not aligned with our true self, we operate on auto pilot. We go through the motions of life, but with an underlying sense of being lost and incomplete. It leaves us feeling as though we are a man without an island with no real sense of foundation or purpose.

It was in third grade that I knew definitively that I was a writer. Writing absorbed me into a place of abandonment, like being swept away by your favorite song, words become the dance exuded from your heart and the story just unfolds, and yet, I’ve sputter through life for 50 years and only recently have I found my way back to writing. Time constraints and the necessity of a profession to support a family have been obstacles, but others haven’t let these things stop them from pursuing their passions. Has a lack of courage and self discipline been my downfall? Have I wasted years of honoring my true self and following my calling? Perhaps, but what if all the distractions of life, the lack of courage & self discipline, were part of my story? What if life were providing me with the rich content I would need to be my best?

To everything there is a season. It may take us years, even decades to reach a pivotal point in life, but without the journey we may not arrive with all the attributes needed to thrive at our destination. Even as we sputter along, knowing we are on auto pilot & not fully in-tune, and not where we would like to be, let’s celebrate each day knowing we are in preparation. A new season will come and with it we will find we are closer to honoring our true selves and following our hearts passions.

Ah the labels!  If we don’t get them from others we slap them on ourselves! We identify by our anxiety, our recovery, our depression, our past, our guilt, our short comings and our failures! When will we embrace our strengths and attributes?

Recently I was challenged to begin a new role in a completely new field amongst younger and quicker colleagues. The environment itself was challenging. It was stuffy with fluorescent lights, close proximity to others, and random chatter & laughing during class, even during quizzes!  At times I felt myself shutting down. The influx of stimuli felt like a battle field in my mind. I pivoted on the brink of malfunction, and it took great effort and concentration to allay my anxiety and complete the task.  At one point I considered emailing the instructor to explain to her that I had PTSD and that this uncontrolled class environment was too challenging for me. But I waited, and I contemplated, and, in the end I made a different choice.

Rather than choose to focus on my anxiety, my sensitivity to the environment and my PTSD, I choose instead to begin to recite positive affirmations I’d developed thus far in life, and even to add to that list. I began to look at the courage it took to take on the challenge before me and the attributes I brought to the table that I could use to assist and inspire others. When the class became overwhelming I stood and stretched reciting a mantra to steer my thoughts and clear my mind. It wasn’t easy but it got me through, and to my amazement I began to think of myself, not as someone riddled with anxiety or with a dx. of PTSD, but someone who could control my responses and reactions and persevere. I wasn’t successful every time, but it got easier as I continued and I was astonished to learn that there were others in the class feeling similar. As I became acquainted with the women in the class it was clear I wasn’t so different and isolated in my response as I’d felt. I was carrying the label of anxiety and PTSD into that class room with me when it seems all the while, my responses were the norm, the majority. Perhaps it’s necessary to know we have some extreme and intense, and at times, irrational responses, but it’s also vital that we recognize it’s just a thang! It’s not the biggest part of who we are and it shouldn’t be our first go to when identifying ourselves. We are more like others than we are different and focusing on our positives propels us to become our best one little baby step at a time!

 

 

Being a behavioral health nurse has given me a front row seat into the aftermath of trauma. It spills over into every aspect of our lives. Those who grow up in stable environments with the expected challenges of child rearing conflicts cannot fathom the difficulty that ensues a neglected and abused child. I do believe that we can and do heal. Some may think healing means full remission with no sign of disease. (Sorry the nurse in me is showing). I for one, feel healing can also mean becoming our optimum selves!

Maya Angelou is one of my favs. Her quote, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better” has become an essential tool for me.  These words of grace have saved me and stayed with me for decades! It took me years to understand that some of my faults and bad behaviors were learned and could be replaced with more positive options.

I berated myself for many years for having written a bad check and obtained a charge.  What was I thinking? The reality is, I wasn’t thinking. I was repeating a behavior I had witnessed for many years. My mother had been to jail several times for the same offense. When things were tight she would just write a check. I had sworn I would never be like my mother but in the trenches of raising three children alone and having no support system I reverted to what I had learned.

Beginning to identify those behaviors that are not really of you, but that are acquired behaviors, is a step towards redefining ourselves. We can discover a new approach to cope with our challenges and, until we are 100% successful in living our truth, we can recall Maya’s words and forgive our bad behaviors by giving ourselves a bit of grace.

My daily prayer is,  “help me to be the best I can be today”. I pray to God, to the universe, to the spirits that walk with me. My faith is one of universal connection and I believe in an omniscient force that embraces the characteristics of love, peace, grace and hope. When I am embarking to replenish my own spirit with these traits, that is when I feel most connected and balanced in life. We are human and our journey is one of growth. Forgiving our short comings and striving to be our best each day will work to in-tune us to our highest selves.

Can you offer yourself a bit of grace today?  What behaviors are learned and not truly from your spirit? Remember, we are all works in progress and growth and change take time, and grace.

 

 

 

When I finally glimpsed my destination night was falling. Exhaustion and hunger were my only companions as I made my way down the steep decline into the charming valley.  I found the chapel locked and the town closing down for the night. I was lucky to find  an open restaurant and a room for the night. No worries, I’d enjoy the chapel and the village better after a good nights sleep.

The saying, ‘We make plans and God laughs’, could not have been more fitting. I had left southern Colorado on a beautifully warm, sunny day wearing shorts & a T-shirt. I awoke to a freezing snow storm that had blanketed the mountain village in several inches of white and was still falling. I had no choice but to scrape my windshield and hit the highway back towards home without ever seeing the inside of the chapel.

How many times, as a child, had I gone to bed in one place and woken in another? Change was the special of every season during my childhood. Like the treacherous road I’d traveled with nerves frayed and fear creeping in, when you live in chaos those feelings are constant. You become vigilant with knowing things may change over night. You watch and listen for the sounds of can tops popping or pill bottles opening as you lay in bed. You become accustom to an unspoken language and know that although an adult is telling you they are only going out for a bit, they will not return anytime soon and once again you and your siblings will be separated and dispersed amongst family. When upheaval is an accustomed expectation, how does one learn to find comfort in stability?

Isn’t it fair to assume that normal for many of us is instability. We move, change jobs, have multiple relationships and find it difficult to settle into situations. We get labeled as irresponsible and unstable. We wear those labels and live in shame. We question why we can’t maintain a job for years, live in the same place, sustain a relationship. What if, instead of beating ourselves up for not being like others, we embraced that strength. There are positives to be obtained from constant change? We are adaptable. We learn to be self-sufficient. We don’t settle. Our tolerance for BS is low. We learn the art of diplomacy. We have compassion for the lost, homeless, floundering. There are many positives to balance us. We have only to claim them and adjust our lives accordingly!

Disappointment at not being able to explore the chapel and village could have plummeted me into self-deprecation. If I had taken the highway like most people,  I would have arrived within a few hours and had ample time to explore. Instead, I took the road less traveled. In doing so, I tested my courage and renewed my self-confidence.

So what if we are nomads? We may take many deters and become lost along the way but tomorrow is another day and the highway route is there if we choose to take it. For today, let’s embrace our flexibility and our fortitude. It’s not every schmoe who can adapt so well to change.

 

 

 

It was early spring, beautifully sunny and warm in Southern Colorado.  On a whim I decided to leave the beaten path of the highways & travel the back roads. My destination was about 3 hours north, a centuries old chapel nestled in the woods of a mountain village.  The idyllic views and history called to me.  I found myself on dirt roads that became narrower and more rocky as I continued. Not to be deterred I stayed the course, winding higher into the mountains. By midday I found myself at a crawl maneuvering a treacherous route. On one side, no guard rail and sure death if I were to find myself to close to the edge. On the other, boulders that required steering away and dangerously close to the edge of the cliff. Not a vehicle, building or person in sight and no way to turn the car around. I had no option but to continue the course.

The treacherous path I found myself on that day was not unlike many moments of my own childhood. I’m certain that those who suffer neglect, abuse, and abandonment in their early years face many of the same or similar challenges.  The legacy of a life of neglect, abandonment and abuse leaves little room for hope,  and yet somehow we find the courage to rise.

I once had a patient ask if I had hope in a pill. If only I did! How lovely to be able to offer everyone a quick dose of hope.  But, the secret of obtaining hope seems elusive. I don’t profess to be able to hand anyone a quick dose of hope. I simply follow my heart,  write or say the words that come to mind, and trust the universe that someone will find them uplifting.